treading on

stumped and head-scratching

a moment of sappiness

the road to 160

I was supposed to blog about this two weeks ago, but lately, my mind has been so…  ugh, what’s that term…  “creatively challenged,” i guess, that I don’t know how to go about it.  Plus, it hasn’t really sinked in yet until I sat down and really thought about it.  I know I posted about it on Twitter and Facebook, but for me to formally talk about it in writing is something I knew I had to do.  So to formally start it off, I can finally say that I have reached what I set out to do January of 2010:  go from 198lbs. to my target weight of 160lbs.  Finally.

The original context of that goal was that it had to be done within the year.  Gave myself until December, actually.  Clearly, only half was met.  Well, come to think of it, looking at the goal itself, I’d say that I failed in both aspects.  But to be fair, I was in a different state of mind last year, compared to the guidelines I set for myself this year (refer to the first post I made for 2011).  Though the setting of the goal is one thing; the entire journey of 198 to 160 is a whole different story altogether.  Truth be told, what I learned and realized during the entire ordeal is what inspired me to set those guidelines I mentioned.

When I first told myself that I really had to lose weight, I honestly thought it’ll be that easy.  I mean, I have gone to the gym before and there seemed to have an effect after two months of thrice a week workouts.  Plus I believed in the notion that if one can easily gain weight, it can be lost just as easy.  But still, I knew that once I started I had to see it all the way through.  I also used to jog before, also every other day except weekends for two hours.  So I decided to challenge myself to go five days a week, skipping only on weekends.  To add to that, I had to reduce the amount of food intake, especially rice.  So I thought, a full breakfast, half a cup of rice for lunch and absolutely light dinner–no rice.  I admit, it was quite daunting when I put it in perspective that time, but I told myself that perhaps I can lose that amount of weight in maybe half the time.

January 4th, 2010, 4:30am.  I weighed myself for the last time to see where I was starting.  I made a vow not to weigh myself until my birthday which was about four months away to see if there’ll be real progress.  Then I started my daily routine.  The first five days went by that fast.  On the second week, I started to feel aches and pains on my legs and knees, but I pressed on.  Before, I used to listen to music on my Ipod whenever I go jogging.  This time, I decided to just skip the music and focus on just meditating while jogging.  That way, I can continue to motivate myself internally while keeping my brain going with all sorts of things.  This was particularly hard because if you know me that well, I’m a true-blue music lover.  The lessened food intake was no joke either.  Fighting the urge to eat is like trying to stay awake when you have important things to do and you’re very sleepy.  I would just have only one of the follwing for dinner:  a banana, a sandwich, two hard-boiled eggs or a bowl of oatmeal.  During weekends, that’s the time that I can eat “normally” so to speak.  Kind of a treat or reward for going through that rigorous routine.

Four months passed by quickly and on my birthday, I saw that I was down to 180lbs.  “Progress,” I said to myself.  I even went as far as calculating where I would be if I lost that amount of weight in that time.  First mistake I made:  assumption.  By July, I was down to 175lbs, and that’s where I made my second mistake:  overconfidence.  I mean, I was so having those two traits that I started to skip my jogging sessions, thinking that the dieting can make up for it.  Of course I would naturally skip sessions whenever it was raining outside at 4:30 in the morning, but there were too much times that when the alarm rang and it’s time to get up, I open my eyes, think, and go back to sleep.  I would make excuses to myself like my knees were hurting, or that I was not up to it, or feeling that I cannot run the full two hours so why bother.  But I was still losing weight.  Surprisingly, the dieting was helping compensate for the reduced jogging sessions.  I remember even posting on Facebook that I was down to 170lbs with more than two months to go.  I started to skip more and more jogging sessions with the same excuses.

December came and I was still at 170lbs.  With the christmas season already in full swing with parties left and right, I knew I couldn’t make the target.  I looked back and realized the things I did, and ultimately came to the conclusion that I failed in what I set out to do.  If i’ll sum up the total amount of days I skipped those jogging sessions, it would add up to around two full months.  That doesn’t even include the half-month christmas break I gave myself, vowing to start again on the first Monday of the new year.  It was around that time that I looked at what I gained, and what I would do differently moving forward.  At the same time, I came to realize and appreciate all that I have done, despite the setbacks.  Those led to the formation of the 2011 guidelines, and ultimately, to me having a new form of thinking and perspective to just about anything in life.  I mean, I’m still me, with the same likes and dislikes, but maybe this experience I guess made me a bit different in some ways.

I never thought that simple exercise and dieting can lead to more than a physical transformation.  Short of a renewal, I guess for me, it opened my eyes to new ways of rationalization and reasoning.  It may be cliche, but exercise really does wonders for the body.  Now that I reached my goal, what’s next, you may ask?  Well, the jogging does not stop.  Nor does the dieting.  For me, it has become a daily requirement of some sort.  I’m not saying that I won’t be skipping jogging sessions any time soon, but I’m thinking that, “i’m already here, so why slip back?”  Last week, I started to include weightlifting into my routine.  My brother has a pair of barbels (50 pounds each) that are gathering dust, so I decided to make them useful again.  I guess the new goal now is to build up or tone the physique, so to speak, but that’s not set in stone.  I’ll see now where can this take me, and if it’s that effective, then go with the flow.  Like I said in explaining my guidelines, better have the elbow room to move in reaching your goal, rather than be confined with a rigid procedure.

I’ve never felt better physically.  Granted, there are some aches and pains that come with the daily jogging sessions–plus the occasional sluggishness–but feeling lighter and more mobile, and with a new way of looking at things, I could say that what I had endured over the last 13 months was all worth it.  Since I resumed my jogging sessions last month, I haven’t skipped one yet, thankfully.  Now that I can track and accumulate my runs and the distances I’ve covered thanks to my Sportband (which was my brother’s christmas gift to me), there are even less reasons to skip jogging when it’s not raining.

Which reminds me, I still have to join my first fun run.  Hope I can do that soon.

crazy little thing called "love"

Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone, however you’re celebrating it! 

somethin’ different this time around

And so just like that, 2010 is part of history.  And of course with every start of a new year, comes the much ballyhooed new year’s resolutions.  Admit it or not, while some of you swear to have kept–in one way or another–the resolutions you have made january of the previous year, most of you faltered (read:  failed) to uphold at least one item–whatever it was–on your list.  Now while I was pondering on what to do this 2011 last night and early this morning, i stopped and thought:  “instead of resolutions, why not make some sort of ‘list of guidelines’ to live by this year?”  So I chipped away at the idea, pondering on the difference between making the traditional resolutions against what I came up with.

Then I finally hit something.  With resolutions, you’re tied down to specifics.  “i’ll be more of this,” or “i won’t do that,” or “i’ll make it a point to do this.”  See?  Specifics.  With the guidelines principle, it’s more of having some elbow room to move around, without really missing the big picture of what you want to achieve.  Or do.  Or change in yourself.  Whatever.  And I guess that with the guidelines, it’s geared more towards your attitude because it’s attitude that’s what makes you want to do this, or that.  In short, it’s not a change by yourself, it’s a change within yourself.  Granted, some of the “guidelines” I came up with for myself may look like specifics too, but really, it’s how you want to gradually make the change to be that different of a person this year.  To cut the long explanation short–and to not sound like someone from a bad spin-off of a Pirates of the Carribean movie (“they’re more of guidelines, really than the code” – that line keeps running through my head)–making the list of guidelines for yourself is exactly that:  to each his or her own.

Okay, enough with the self-science.  The list below is what I conceptualized for myself as guidelines for 2011.  I decided to limit it to 13.  Yes, like the number of round fruits that ought to have been served in the dining table on new year’s eve.  That number may be bad luck to some, but i thought, “why not face the reputation of 13 head on?”  This is the only time i’ve written them down because most of them were still in the formulation stage.  Should you like the concept, you’re free to create your own and derive some of the items from my list (read:  copy).  Or maybe, this can apply to everyone else.  Hey, this would work for me.  For any of you, i don’t really know.  Maybe.

1.  Be positive and stay positive.

2.  Repeat number one.

3.  Say what you feel, as long as you know it’s the truth, or at least has some semblance of it.  Be it about a person, situation, or anything that tickles your fancy, strikes a chord, or messes you up.  Don’t hold back.  Being tactless is something people who can’t handle the truth came up with as an excuse.

4.  Dream big and aim high.

5.  Do anything and everything within reason to make number four a reality and hit it.  Anything falling short of them or settling for “the good that came out of it” is not an option.

6.  In every undertaking for number five, remember these words:  “discipline and focus.”

7.  Flirt, date, get laid.

8.  Fall in love.

9.  Do not do the latter part of number seven to just to get to number 8.  You know better than that.

10.  Screen your opportunities carefully.  While most others say grab every single one, remember that opportunities are generic in nature.  Some may help you, while others may look like to help you, but are really to doom you.

11.  Pray.  Whatever religion you’re in, even if you’re an agnostic, it doesn’t hurt to ask help from the forces of good; and thank them once in a while.

12.  Pamper yourself.  However, whenever, whatever.

13.  When all else fails, go back to number one.

Looking back at it, it’s like the list can apply to almost everyone.  Again, as i’ve mentioned, to each his or her own.  Of course, numbers seven through 9 are applicable only to single individuals like me, but that can always be changed by those who aren’t.  What do you think?

Remember that this list of guidelines aren’t here to change my life or your life this 2011, it’s here to help live life at least in the way I think it should be.  Hey, whatever works, right?  Whether it be traditional resolutions or a set of guidelines for the year, what’s important is that we make each new year something better for all of us.  And remember, it’s not just about starting the year right, it’s how you complete the entire year that matters.  Hope everyone had a safe and joyous welcome to the new year.  Here’s to 2011, a new year and a start of a new decade.  May it bring prosperity, good health, hot lovin’, and happiness to everyone.

Happy new year! 

a look back at 2010

first and foremost, a belated merry christmas to everyone. i’m sure most of you are still recovering from the binge that was the countless christmas parties and the midnight christmas meal. but there’s still new year’s celebration, so don’t go huffing and puffing your way back to the gym anytime soon. relax, you have the right to indulge. so go crazy.

with barely 24 hours left until 2010 ends, i decided to do a quick year-end write-up (like what i’ve done in previous years) to look back how the year that was from my personal point of view. it has been said numerous times that before you look ahead, you must know where you came from. so whether be it achievements or challenges, smiles or sadness, triumph or defeat, laughter or tears, monotony or surprises, 2010 had them all.

i would say that 2010 was the year i started to take my physical fitness seriously. actually, i had it planned last christmas that i’d really start losing weight come january. i weighed myself one last time on january 3 and i was at 198lbs. i weighed that much weeks before and it dawned on me that i’ll be reaching 200lbs soon if i don’t do something about it. “discipline and focus” was my mantra whenever i started my daily two-hour jog-walk sessions. i didn’t use my ipod, thinking that it’ll just keep me distracted. i know, i love music, but i felt that music in the background will just tire me out, so i had to utilize my full concentration on the task at hand. my goal: to reach 160lbs before the year ends. so for five days a week, i would sweat it out. the first few weeks were painful to say the least. muscles and joints hurt like they never hurt before, a way of resisting my new found drive. but, in time, my body adjusted to the routine and i’d be feeling better every time i finished those two hours. add to that, a significant reduction to my food intake. i lowered my meal consumptions by at least 50 percent, and took out rice at dinner time. either i’ll just have a sandwich, a fruit, or no dinner at all. i have lost 20lbs come the month of may, and another 10 more by september. unfortunately, when i decided to stop jog-walking for the year a week before christmas, i was only at 165lbs. admittedly, i eased back from my routine during the last couple of months, a crucial mistake on my part. though i did lose a significant amount of weight, a goal is a goal. i realized that if you’re happy with not reaching your goal, then don’t set a goal at all. maybe some of you would say, “at least you came close to your goal. that’s something in itself.” no. being second best is not acceptable. whatever the case may be. that is why i’m starting 2011 with an all-or-nothing mindset. more on that on my first entry for 2011. but, with the goal i didn’t reach for this year, i only blame myself. yes, i acknowledge that i’ve lost weight, but i won’t overly dwell on that. it’s still a fail.

2010 also was the first time the country had it’s elections for president wherein president arroyo was stepping down. i openly campaigned for senator richard gordon, believing that he was (and still is, in my book) the best man, the right man to be president. sadly, the thinking and educated man’s vote was overwhelmed with a sure-bet, showbiz-influenced, easy-name-recall, and sympathy-for-a-recently-deceased-parent vote. there’s nothing much to say about the one sitting in malacañang right now. i have no faith and belief in him whatsoever, he’s a lame-duck president with stupidity personified; and if an opportunity to leave the country to work abroad presents itself, unlike before where i would stay, this time, i’d take it in a heartbeat.

this was also the year our country figured prominently on the world stage. when i say prominently, it doesn’t matter if it was in a good way or a bad way. you know us filipinos, whatever it takes to be front and center of the world’s attention, we’ll do it. you know in the vernacular, we’re really “lacking in attention.” it’s a given that the two wins by manny pacquiao in the boxing ring (three if you count his absurdly win in the congressional elections) takes the cake. i mean, the man is just that damn good and throws that powerful of a punch. he’s not an 8-division champ for just nothing; he rules the boxing ring, period. but that doesn’t mean that i like him (sorry, i really had to put that one in). but what’s more uplifting is the win by our football team against defending champion vietnam in the AFF suzuki cup which earned a place in the semi-finals. football was never seen the same again by filipinos and finally, the sport has the attention of mainstream fans. how will the mostly half-breed football players (who, i think don’t have the initiative to speak the local language) handle the newfound spotlight on them remains to be seen. then there’s the what’s-up-with-the-over-exposure-and-attention finish by “venus” raj in the miss universe pageant (sorry, i really have to put the quotation marks in between her name simply because when we say venus, it means beauty; but with how she looks, i don’t think she’s worthy of that name; ugh). she finishes fifth and the country goes gaga over it? reality check: you’re there to win, that’s spelled W-I-N, no excuses. well, maybe her not getting the crown is worth it. after all, i think i couldn’t stand seeing the sight of her being miss universe. eww. from one tragedy to another, the manila bus hostage crisis was another event that our country was thrust into the world’s spotlight. our inept, cowardly, ill-trained police just showed mankind how not to engage a hostage taker. hopefully that event AND display of stupidity didn’t convince terrorists that it’s open season on the country. and lastly, there’s our local female version of justin bieber named charice appearing on the US hit tv series Glee (okay, maybe she’s not half-bad as jb). many thought that she’ll be there the entire season. good thing it was only one episode. i don’t like the series, never liked it, and will never like it. period. there are, of course, under-the-radar recognitions of filipino films in foreign movie festivals which, ironically are not shown here because they’re either too “talky” or controversial. sad. very sad.

on a more personal note, 2010 was the year i set foot on boracay island for the first time ever.  thanks to an aunt and a visiting cousin from germany who invited me to tag along, it turned out to be the most memorable vacation i’ve had in years.  the place is simply breathtaking.  spending five days there felt like it wasn’t enough.  snorkeling and fish feeding was the wholesome highlight for me.  seeing the diverse species of fish all around me and eating the bread off my hand made me appreciate mother nature more than ever.  though i didn’t get the chance to meet and flirt with women during the everyday nightlife we went to when we were there, the eye candy was just aplenty.  and of course, the food!  buffet offerings left and right, plus the fresh seafood for the picking and having it cooked before your eyes, it’s every foodie’s dream come true.

the year also became one of the most trying times for me and our family.  what we thought was just a simple sickness turned out to be a three-week, two hospital confinement for my mother.  it turned out to be a severe case of pneumonia.  the images of my mom vomiting blood while having difficulty breathing, as well as how she was when she was transferred in the ICU of the hospital will forever be burned in my mind.  the feeling of helplessness and not knowing whether she’ll make it or not hounded me for most of the time.  yet with our immediate and close relatives and family’s support and prayers, she was able to make a full recovery and is feeling better than ever.  that ordeal also helped the relationship between me and my mom become closer, and having that result is always a good thing.

this year will also be remembered for a popular radio station closing down.  NU107 has been the hotbed of local rock and alternative acts and helped boost the band scene in the country.  but alas, lack of sponsors due to the genre and format not being catered to the masses (which it stupidity personified) became it’s demise.  hordes of fans that gathered around the radio station in it’s final hours of broadcast became a testament of it’s popularity among the real, upright listeners who won’t take cheesy, gutter-trash humor, and degrading, humiliating manner of being a disc jockey; and of course, who are listening to real music.  here’s hoping that somehow, that kind of radio station would emerge again in the near future.

friendships come and go.  this year was no different.  i’ve lost some and made some; there are others that have been rekindled.  with how my professional career has been going lately, i’ve come to realize who my real friends are.  and i’m thankful for them more than ever.  there were those who just disappeared without even saying goodbye, others who slowly faded out of existence.  some kept promises, others treated promises like a piece of paper–made now, thrown later.  surprisingly–and in a good way–there are those who suddenly appear and it’s as if nothing had happened.  it’s good to rekindle lost friendships, but not always.  having experienced (again) losing friends made me think of whether or not to let it be rekindled again if the opportunity arises.  but more importantly, treasure those who stand by you and really be a friend through thick and thin.

in hindsight, i consider 2010 to be a not-so-good year. okay, if i would rate it from one to 10, with 10 being the best, i would give it a five. or even a 4.9. it’s not that the bad or negative things that happened to me this year outweigh the good ones, it’s more on how i did things.  or how things ended up for me.  or maybe things i missed out that could’ve made a difference. not that i wasn’t proud of my achievements, believe me, i am; but deep down inside, i know that i could’ve done things better and not settled for just mere results.  but as they say, the past is the past.  with the new year just hours away, all the baggage that came with the old one will be discarded as soon as the clock strikes 12 midnight.  and as always–with me being me–i’ll be welcoming 2011 with renewed optimism, a positive outlook, and a new attitude.  hope everyone else at least almost feels the same way as i do.  hey, i suppose we all agree on one thing:  to start the new year right.

have a safe and boisterous welcome to the new year! 

a final sound-byte salute

i remember listening to NU107 during the early part of the 90s.  i wasn’t immediately hooked since radio stations back then were pop-genre dominated.  but there was something that made that station stand out:  it defied the norm.  most ordinary people back then would probably describe NU as a station for the elitists; where talk and music were on a different plain, something that most filipinos wouldn’t understand.  heck, i think it was the only radio station that despite it being the catapult of rising filipino rock and alternative bands, the language they use was pure english.  rarely do you hear jocks speak the native language in a running conversation.  granted, there are indeed other radio stations that use english as the mode of communication by the jocks, but with NU, it became part and parcel of their identity, and again, to defy the norm.

i did not become a hardcore fan-slash-listener of NU, but the station became a constant fixture in my enlightenment to the world of rock and alternative music in the mid-90s and moving forward.  it opened my ears (and eyes) to bands such as skid row, metallica, van halen, queen, nirvana, poison, guns n’ roses (which became my favorite band of all time), and others.  it also awakened my love of music from the new wave era with such classics from modern english, seona dancing, tears for fears, omd, simple minds, and much more.  and it helped pave the way for me to be a proud pinoy rocker during the explosion of philippine rock and alternative bands such as teeth, the youth, yano, parokya ni edgar, sandwich, kamikazee, rivermaya, sugar free, and many others, and of course, who could ever forget, the eraserheads.  for the record, pinoy music–pinoy rock music at that–would not have been the same if not for NU107.  i can’t imagine what our musical landscape would look like if NU did not come into existence when it did.

another thing that made NU different from the rest is their in-between radio ID fillers and program plugs.  i bet that if a non-philippine radio listener would take a crack and listen to all the different radio stations’ ID plugs one after the other, he or she would say that NU’s would stand out.  as i’ve said earlier, it defies the norm.  there was even one plug which i found hilarious that poked fun at the pinoy visayan accent when a person calling in to request a song on remote control weekend was sucking up to the jock on board in a thick southern accent (i don’t know if that part was really a recorded call, or just made up).  ironically, during the last few days of NU’s broadcast, those plugs and IDs were being requested left and right instead of their normal song playlist.  why?  because they were brash, out-of-the-box, rebellious, but at the same time, funny, witty, even sexy, and it came across as sending a message to everyone else that “we are what we say we are.”  i think their plug for against the flow clearly says it all:  “only dead fish swim with the current.”

when i first heard the news that NU was closing down and reformatting (i actually read it on twitter), i couldn’t believe it and my initial reaction was, “why?”  and when i read the article stating the reason(s) for it, i felt sick and disgusted.  yes, i know it’s a business decision by the now former owners, and i don’t have anything against making tough business decisions.  what i’m sick and disgusted about is the underlying thought that media institutions–which of course, includes radio–should cater to the taste of the masses.  i mean, don’t we have enough radio stations here that do that already?  the ones that make riding jeepneys break our eardrums with annoying laughter from a so-called college student sounding woman, or ruin our psyche by constantly blurting the line, “you know that already!”  or making cab rides unbearable when you’re constantly being asked, “do you need to memorize that?!”  seriously do we really need one more of those?  are the masses the only part of society that listen to the radio?  granted, there are still very decent radio stations to choose from like RX and magic (and maybe jam as well), but there’s another thing that NU does that they don’t:  limit commercial ads.  i mean, where else can you listen to a no-commercial-interruption song lineup such as a 20-minute rockathon?  granted, NU caters only to one genre, which is rock music; but they still do have a loyal following.  they’re human beings and consumers too, you know.  i guess those parasitious sponsors think that with NU, it’s already a profit loss.  stupid, motherfucking masses-thinking corporate execs and sponsors…

i was proud to be part of history when i tuned in to the final broadcast hours of NU last night.  it was very sad to hear the final, tearful goodbyes of all the jocks, past and present.  it was like being in a wake or funeral for someone we love.  i never, ever thought during the past years that NU would close shop.  despite the other radio stations that have come and reformatted, i always knew that NU would always be there, rocking our asses off.  sadly, it too has succumed to a warped prevailing culture.  but as one jock said last night, “NU rock is all about the music, the culture it potrayed, and the loyal listeners.”  it is up to us, the free-thinking, cool-sounding, upright rock advocates of society to continue NU’s legacy in one form or another.  NU started the radio crusade for individualism, trying to stand above the rest, dancing to the beat of a different drum, and treading against the current.  and it bravely lasted 23 years providing a rich and sensible alternative to the filipino radio listener.  your reputation will also be the legacy you leave behind.  filipino rock music, and filipino music in general will be forever indebted to you.

i wasn’t a hardcore fan-slash-listener of NU, but a fan nonetheless.  a fan of your music, your lifestyle, your culture.  thank you for being part of my formative years.  i couldn’t imagine who i might’ve been today if NU didn’t exist.  thank you for also being the launching platform of the numerous pinoy rock bands that we have today.  some of them may have been “masses-sized,” but the bottomline was the promotion of pinoy rock music.  it’s gonna be hard to push that preset radio station to 107.5mhz and hear a different-sounding station.  NU107’s music and what it promotes will always live on with your loyal and casual listeners.  it is only but fitting that the final song you played was the eraserheads’ hit, “ang huling el bimbo.”  it speaks volumes of how NU came to be.  you’ll be sorely missed, but with the hope that someday, somehow, someway, you’ll find your way back to the airwaves again.  from a simpleton, frustrated radio-jock (or radio-jock wannabe) such as myself, i say thank you for letting me come, visit, and stay in the home of nu (new) rock, NU107.  vaya con dios.

one short of forever

he was alone as his body tried to relax sitting down, his eyes focused like a thoroughbred with blinders on a race track.  the sound of falling rain didn’t mind him as he tried to grasp what was happening.  he wanted to scream his heart out, but can only manage a deafening silence as reality sets in.  all the while, he thought he knew something, but brushed it off.  the late nights she came home, the whispered phone conversations in the next room, occasions when he caught her staring into nothingness, the rain checks she had given him.  though the passion of love still engulfed them, there were times that he sensed that she had something–or someone–else on her mind.  now, the house is empty, void of her enchanting and illuminating presence; the halls, quiet from her vibrant laughter and soothing voice; his life, spun into uncertainty.

they met three years earlier at the lobby of a well-known corporation.  turns out that they were the remaining two candidates vying for regional vice president.  he had a commanding, yet charming presence, was sharply dressed, ruggedly confident, eyes that gave ladies a look that was to die for, and had a masters degree to boot.  she, on the other hand was classy and elegant, athletic, had beauty pageant-like curves, had her long, black hair tied down, and with matching small glasses that made her look like a snobbish librarian; but had that killer smile that no man almost cannot say no to.  these were all enough for both of them to strike an awkward and uneasy conversation with each other while waiting for their respective appointments.  they understood that only one of them will eventually get the job, but that didn’t stop that first conversation from turning into coffee dates, park strolls, book-reading conventions, pizza tuesdays, bowling challenges, and comedy night.  eventually, they moved in together for they couldn’t be more right for each other.  she made him take control of his life, while he let her explore her dreams.

it was three years of blissful love and unwavering romance.  he told her everything about himself, while she, all but once aspect of her past.  more than once, she used a line from the movie, titanic, which goes, “a woman’s heart is but an ocean of secrets,” but had assured him that whatever is from the past, stayed there.  he believed her, but couldn’t tell to himself whether he was sure of it.  eventually, the arguments started.  although they would always find a way to patch things up, things would only get worse.  he wanted to find out what who was she constantly talking to, while she assured him that it was nothing.  still, there were times that he just simply let her do what she wants.  in turn, she felt like he didn’t care enough.  talking to a close friend made him realize that her past didn’t matter.  neither their arguments.  what is, was their love for each other and what’s ahead of them, facing it together.  he rushed home that day, bouquet and gift in hand, only to find her gone.  for weeks, he searched for her night and day to the point of exhaustion.  until one day, he was told by someone where she was.  he didn’t care where, he had to see for himself.

he was still seated when he finally fell to his knees as tears came down like rain.  his cries drowned out by thunder, the darkness flashed by lightning.  uncertainty and discord ran through his mind, as with the happy moments of their past together.  the love he gave her, the warmth she gave him, those magical years together, all lead to a one-worded thought he screamed into the night:  “why?”  his hands then fell to the ground, one still clutching that gift he planned to give her that day he came rushing home.  it was small in nature, but forever in meaning.  the rain didn’t wash away the tears, it only helped hide them as he stared grievingly into the freshly laid coffin in the ground.

retracing my steps

i’ve mentioned on numerous occasions that i’ll be more updated here in my blog.  and on those same occasions, i end up failing to be true to that statement.  i can’t seem to find out why, or whether i still have what it takes to write whatever i feel on a more personal level (rather than mostly political and social, as you may have noticed).  so last night, i took the time to go and backread on almost half of all my blog entries, starting from the most recent.  not just the entries, but the comments as well.  it took me until way past midnight, but i remember smiling at each and every entry i’ve made over the years.  yes, given that most of my entries were quite sad in nature, and even harsh to some people; but as i have always been, i never, ever hold anything back.  in going back through those posts, i hoped to rekindle the fire that made me start blogging in the first place.  last night’s trip town memory lane helped a bit, creating that spark again that will hopefully result in the flame burning brightly again.  maybe i need to backread some more, but at least that’s a start.

as they say, sometimes you need to go back a step or two in order to proceed two or three steps forward.  i just hope that with the success of my initial goal this year, it would rub off here as well.  i’m not making any promises… yet, but with accessing history at my fingertips, i hope to find my way back to where i want to be.