pissed… and i mean pissed

i decided to cancel part two of the temporary run of my thursday thirteen due to what transpired yesterday at our staff meeting at work.  upper management decided to cancel-slash-withdraw-slash-erase-slash-put off-slash-disregard-slash-ignore all plotted vacation leaves by us from december 22nd to january 7th.  the reason being?  well, there were too much of us who filed for leaves on those dates that there will not be enough coverage at work.  i found that line of reasoning totally unaaceptable.  just because many filed for vacation leaves just to be with their families for the holidays and new year's, does it give them the right to just say, "oh the hell with it, let's just ask everyone to report to work on that day and not grant anyone the right to spend the holidays however they want?"  that's fucking bullshit!!  i'm saying it again, "that's FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!"  and to think that there were only few of us who have VL credits left to use for those dates so i don't see any reason why no consideration was given.  although majority agreed with the decision (i'm guessing becaue no one reacted, but i think those who wanted, including me, didn't want to because it'll just be futile) some of the faces of my colleagues after the meeting can be easily read, and that didn't show any signs of approval about it.  i'm still too emotional about the matter, which is hampering me from talking to my direct manager about it.  i mean, they let us plot the days we want to go on VL, and then they will just pull back at the last minute?  i plotted my december leaves back in april for god's sakes!!  c'mon, going on vacation leave is our right as employees!!  if this is sealed with finality, then my goal of having a perfect attendance record for the year will be gone.  i did not go to work on christmas eve and new year's eve since i started working in the call center industry and i'm not about to start now.  even though i love my job and, as i've said, aiming for going to work for one year without any absences or tardiness, nothing can make me come to the office on those days.  no threat of a double occurrence of absence or being given a warning can make me think otherwise.  i don't even care if you pay me double or triple on that day, and give me free food for me to come to work, well, you can stick those up your ungrateful asses!!  you can make me go to work any other time of the year except these two days.  is that too much to ask?!

to say that i'm pissed is an understatement.  *sigh* kiss my fucking perfect attendance record goodbye.  hooray.  yipee.

four days, four nights out

this past weekend was probably the first (and maybe last) time that i went out for four consecutive nights in a row.  i only realized that i had successive appointments starting this past thursday night was when i was going through my weekly activities last week and that three of the four nights out were actually cashing in on rainchecks, so canceling one of them was not an option.  so, i would label that experience as the ultimate weekend.  and here's a recap of what transpired during those days:

thursday night (november 23rd) - it was thanksgiving in the US so we didn't have work; well, as far as our department is concerned.  i was invited to a stag party of some sorts by one of my colleagues who is getting married this weekend.  i obliged, thinking that the party will be held at his house or a small establishment nearby.  i initially had concerns with my budget, trying to figure out how to get the most out of my remaining allowance for the three remaining days that i still had to go out.  we met up at the office and i was surprised that there were only four of us actually going out.  what's more surprising was that the venue will be somewhere up north of manila.  and to top it off, it required at least a grand for expenses.  i only had 500 bucks in my wallet and had no plans of getting more out of my atm and had planned on using my credit card to gas up the car.  with no option to back out, i figured, "what the hell" and went along.  it was my first time to actually go inside a ktv bar and, well, if you know what happens inside a ktv bar, i dare not push the story any further.  to summarize it up, we had some drinks, women and fun (wholesome and otherwise).  we ended up closing the establishment as we headed back south to some breakfast at 4AM.  got home at 6AM and slept until the afternoon.

friday night (november 24th) - first raincheck cashed.  met up with a batchmate of mine from PS for dinner.  i barely remember the last time we saw each other, but if my memory serves me right, it was still when i was working for PS three years ago.  our renewed communication started when i sent her a birthday message through friendster a couple of months back.  we exchanged numbers since then and had planned on going out numerous times, but ended up canceling it due to both our schedules messing up.  anyhow, we had a good conversation over dinner at north park, mostly catching up on what we have been up to for the last couple of years and reminiscing the work we done when we were colleagues.  we continued our conversation over coffee at starbucks and had to bring her home early due to her business project having a soft opening the next day.  it was fun seeing an old colleague and knowing that she has been doing well for herself.  got home at around 2AM.

saturday night (november 25th) - second raincheck cashed.  this time, it was with two of my batchmates at teletech.  we initially planned to go out last weekend, but due to my uncle's pre-birthday and going away party (he went off to london this past monday) i had to cancel.  it's also been more than a year since we last saw each other, although we have been keeping tabs on each other through online chatting and sms.  it was a simple night out at krocodile grille in greenbelt, having some drinks and catching up, as well as one of them airing out her personal problems she's having as of late.  almost all of our topics were our former company and the funny thing was, on our way back to the parking lot, we ran into another former colleague!  we exchanged pleasantries but didn't talk long due to his companions were with him.  we ended up having a coffee nightcap at starbucks before heading home at 1AM.

sunday night (november 26th) - third raincheck cashed with the mother of my godson who also happened to be one of the associates under my leadership back in PS.  again, we initially planned to go out the week before, but she cancelled due to no one looking after her son.  we decided to watch happy feet at greenbelt 3, and i'm telling you, it's really worth watching!  i was laughing around three-fourths of the entire movie!  it was the first time since monsters inc. that i watched an animated film in the big screen.  the story was excellent, the music was awesome, the characters were beautifully-drawn and the sound was, well, if you've watched in a thx-certified cinema before, you'll know what to expect.  the difference i noticed this time around that the vibrations the sound makes really rocks the seat!  i'm planning to watch it again on imax, although the sound system there leaves much to be desired.  i'm just after how they convert it images to 3D.  it was in imax that i first saw the teaser trailer of happy feet and i really planned on watching it there as well.  good thing i saw it first in greenbelt.  anyhow, we had dinner before the movie and had coffee at starbucks after the movie before bringing her home at 11PM.

whew!  where does that leave me?  an empty wallet, that's where!  hehehehe!!  if there's any indication of the problem i'm having budgeting the remaining allowance i have until thursday, it's the headache i'm currently experiencing.  but looking back, it was fun and one of the more memorable events that happened this year.  good thing it's a couple of days to go before payday!  until then, my credit card would have to fill in for my expenses.  hope everyone has a good week ahead! 

thursday thirteen - part one of two

taking a page out of liz' blog, i have decided (temporarily, take note as the entry title reads) to have a thursday thirteen of some sorts.  why?  well, i have a running list already in my head that i just can't seem to find a way to compile it into a blog entry.  then while i was blog hopping, i saw liz' thursday thirteen entry for last week.  that made me decide to compile all the things about the topic that has been running in my head.  so without further delay, here are–with comments, and in no particular order–the:

thirteen things i hate about the philippines

1.  actor/actress-politicians - i guess we're the only country in the world whose actors and actresses cross over and engage in the dog-eat-dog world of politics.  and they all do it with the same, hashed-out, bullcrap reason:  "i want to serve the people better."  now that is a load of horseshit.  politics in this country is already a popularity contest and i'm proud of what actor leo martinez advised to his fellow colleagues of not entering this carnival of lies, deceit and madness.

2.  the sorry state of the roads/highways - the first of the many self-explanatory items on the list.  it's becoming a nightmare for drivers to traverse the city streets because of potholes and uneven asphalt paddings.  if cars could talk, they would curse everytime we drive them around.

3.  our entertainment/showbiz industry - with some semblance to number one, the whole philippine movie and television industry, has, in my personal opinion, gone to the dogs.  the only ironic thing i see is that some movies that are being featured in foreign film festivals actually do win awards and accolades, but they are not shown here.  and why?  budget concerns.  it's all about the benjamins (or in our case, the ninoys) for the cinemas, actors, producers, directors, etc.  another thing is that producers/directors copy, in one form or another, material or concept from foreign movies, soap operas, game shows and even music.  another thing i don't understand is, why do actors and actresses have to do a song and dance number on variety shows?  i don't see the goddamn point why they should go out of their way in doing so.  make movies!!  if you need to make an appearance on a variety show, just do a goddamn interview!!  you sure as hell cannot sing well and you dance like an old maid, so stop pretending that you can do it all!!

4.  the network television wars - in relation to the previous item, the network wars here in the philippines are really, really, and i mean really stupid.  so what if one actor switches networks?  big deal!  and why can't you mention the other network when you're being interviewed?  in the US, they respect the actor's show that they even plug it even if it is on a rival network.  why can't we apply it here?  the crab mentality has really gone to the bones of network executives themselves.  it's a shame that instead of helping actors/actresses improve their craft, they're being exploited by rating-hungry network giants.

5.  jollibee service - no explanation needed.  this fastfood chain has the worst service i have experienced.  ever.  i wrote an entry once about ordering a burger from the self-proclaimed number one fastfood chain in the country.  absolutely and utterly a bullshit of a customer service team.

6.  drivers who think that running a red light at two in the morning is completely legal - i nearly had accidents regarding this.  it's common sense.  red means red, green means green.  whatever time of day or night it is.  drivers who run these lights should be dragged into the street and shot.

7.  the justice system - to put it mildly, the judiciary process or system here in the philippines is, well, inconsistent.  whenever victims (especially rape victims–note that the term is italicized) come out, courts tend to side with them.  and of course, there's trial by publicity.  two good examples:  the wowowee stampede case and the subic rape case.  as i have said in my entry a while back, the stampede was an accident, plain and simple.  no charges should have been filed against anyone.  as far as the subic rape case is concerned, well, i honestly think, no rape was committed.  what happened is just casual sex gone wrong because the victim didn't like how it was done.  now, just because the victim says that she was raped, all hell breaks loose and cases are filed left and right, and people automatically sympathize with the victim just because she breaks down and cries on national television.  how pathetic can one be?

8.  taxes - again, self-explanatory.  there are too much taxes collected yet all for one purpose.  for the country's development.  i personally think it's for the politician's development.  we don't need new tax laws, just reinforce and abide by current tax laws that we have.  period.

9.  how companies (most notably outsourcing companies) disregard national holidays - i personally think that holidays in the philippines are losing their essence.  why?  because it's still business as usual in call centers, and almost 30 to 40 percent of employed people work in these industries.  one experience that really ticked me off is that when i was still an associate, we were forced to add staffing on a particular day (not a holiday) because one of our outsourcing partners in mexico is closed due to a national holiday and that the call volume will be routed to manila instead.  what the hell?!  what about our holidays?  why can't we route call volume to our partners whenever we have national holidays?  especially christmas and new years?!  it can't just be all holiday pay, i mean how can we enjoy the holiday if the company itself doesn't adhere to it?  the word holiday is slowly losing it's meaning.

10.  major sports events that are beamed live - one good and recent example:  the manny pacquiao fight.  i mean, i understand the need for advertising, but it's going way beyond far.  whenever you say "we'll broadcast it live from las vegas" or wherever, be sure that it's live in the true sense of the word.  not delayed for two hours because of commercials and you still have the guts to place the word "live" on the screen?  good thing our cable provider alotted a channel just for airing the pacquiao fight live and in real-time.  and it's using another sports channel, not the one that has also succumbed to big bucks from advertisers.  when the pacquiao fight was over (the real one), the networks that said that it'll be broadcast live, was just starting the undercard matches.  crappy.  just plain crappy.

11.  movie ratings of the MTRCB - they don't know a good movie when they see one.  why do foreign movies that pass through this god awful excuse for a ratings agency still have cuts when they're approved and shown in cinemas?  R-18 movies should be as is, not with cuts.  if you want to know what i mean, those who have seen the scary movie series should compare the one they saw in the theaters and in the DVD.  the DVD is fairly longer due to cuts being made in the theatrical release.  why?  due to offensive (as per MTRCB) sexual jokes that mature adults can handle.  maybe one reason is that members of the screening committee are mostly aged 60 and above who cannot relate to modern-day anecdotes and jokes.

12.  philippine church meddling in affairs of the state - don't get me wrong, i'm a catholic.  not a devout one, but a catholic nonetheless.  it now seems that every issue that the government is into, the church always has to have a say in it.  and that's plain nonsense.  the church should stick to it's own affairs and not meddle in the way government runs things.  noted that the government does not run things the way it should, but that's up to the people to complain about.  the church should not take stands on issues, even though we're a predominantly catholic country.  that is why bishops and cardinals get rich, it's due to politicians paying them for their blessing by agreeing with what they say just to get the support of the people.  but here's an after-thought:  maybe it's the people who are easily swayed by these holy people who are at fault here.  hmmmm…..

13.  taxicabs - i once thought that taxicabs here in the philippines appear when you least need them, and they're scarce when you need them the most.  but it gets worse.  nowadays (especially now that the holidays are fast approaching), you cannot get inside a cab without first saying where your destination is, and after the driver approves.  well in fact, telling where the driver where to drop you off should happen after you get your ass inside.  and once you're already seated, there's no reason for the driver to let you back out.  even if your destination is either just a few blocks away, or as far as the gas tank can hold.  if you have the means to pay, the driver shouldn't refuse.  and what's this about putting a little extra on the fare when the distance is just a few kilometers?  i mean, i sometimes give a little something more than what the meter reads, but that's my discretion.  drivers shouldn't beg or even ask for anything more.

wow, that was a brain-drainer there.  of course, this is just part one.  part two will be next week (hopefully) when i do a list of the opposite.  what i love about this country that i won't leave it in exchange for a better life in another one.  have a good weekend to everyone!

my christmas wish list

christmas is just a couple of weeks away and even though we still haven't removed the dust from the box of christmas decors and tested the lights to be displayed at home, i am feelin' it!  christmas songs are my constant companion while driving to and from work these days and i think this year is gonna be different from last year's.  i don't know why, but one clear reason is that i have a lot to be thankful for this year.  if americans have their thanksgiving celebration this coming week, well, the christmas season is my way of celebrating thanksgiving.  and of course, all of us have to admit, we have our own "wish list" for gifts we want to get this year.  whether we buy them for ourselves, write a letter to santa claus, or "ask" them from relatives, friends, godparents or our significant other (that is, if he or she is generous enough), we always have that present(s) at the back of our minds we want to have for this year.  looking back at last year's wish list, i can't seem to classify whether the nokia n90 i always wanted at that time came as a late christmas present for last year's, or an early one for this year.  in any case, i'll try to indulge myself again this year and come up with a short list of things i want to get for christmas this year.  so santa, if you're reading this, any one of the following would do.  and they're not in any particular order:

1.  playstation 3 - now i'm going out on a limb here.  last i heard, a unit with one controller costs US$300, and it won't be released in the US until early december, although japan started selling them already.  and that the technology is quite complicated wherein a pirated version won't be out until maybe the next six to 8 months after.  i have seen the games lineup coupled with it's release and it got me drooling!  plus the fact that it can do much more than play games and DVDs makes this piece of hardware on the top of my christmas wish list.

2.  an all-expense paid four-day, three-night vacation package to either boracay or puerto galera - i've been wanting to go on a beach trip for the longest time now.  this past summer's trip was already all planned out until it was cancelled at the last minute so i was stuck at home for a week just drinking booze.  please, oh please make my feet touch the sprawling beach sands and let my skin feel the warm rays of the sun this time… *sigh*

3.  a complete home entertainment system which includes a 50-inch plasma TV and a 5.1 speaker surround system - i have always imagined listening to my music with the sound coming from the entire room, watching DVDs like i was in cinema one or two in greenbelt 3, playing games with near-realism, and watching sports and concerts like i'm inside in the arena.  that would make me think twice of going to the beach… well, not really.

4.  a PDA phone or an N93 - now don't get me wrong, i absolutely looooove my N90, but if there's any chance for me to get an O2 atom (is that right?  i'm not fully abreast with the latest PDA phones in the market) or a nokia N93 as my second phone or by trading my N93 (that would merit days and days of very, very serious thinking), that would be quite sweet!  hey, who knows?  i got my N90 which was on my wish list last year, maybe there's a chance i would get either one as well.

5.  a fully trained golden retriever or a german shepherd - i have always wanted a trained dog for a pet since our street dog for a pet died back when i was in high school.  since then, i only had stray cats brushing up against my leg whenever i do the laundry.  i would rub their heads and play with them sometimes, but i'd rather jog around the street with a trained dog as my running buddy.

6.  not to have my heart broken again - this is self-explanatory.  i think i've had enough already.  period.

again, i'm not expecting any of these to come my way.  that's why it's called a wish list.  i'm just indulging myself to the thought of imagining having these, or any of these for that matter.  still, i'm thankful for the good people who made a difference in my life this year.  they are enough for me to have something to celebrate this season.  i'm pretty sure whatever they want or wish for this christmas will come true.  what is in your wish list?  have an advanced christmas!! 

a birthday story

the clock read 7:57 in the morning as his waking eyes saw the time on the clock.  "still early," he whispered to himself as he faced the opposite direction and tried to nod back to sleep.  or at least tried to.  his mind was already up and about, going through how the second saturday of the month would be for him.  he had a company basketball game to play early in the afternoon and a volleyball game to watch after.  then it's off to dinner and a couple of bottles with colleagues.  that was pretty much how the second part of his day will turn out, as he tried to think of something to do during the first half.

the familiar sound of a calendar alert on his mobile phone sounded three short minutes later.  he reached over on his other side, got the phone, and opened his eyes as he saw what the reminder was.  it was her birthday.  his drowsiness started to wear off at the thought of what to do next.  should he greet her?  how?  call?  text?  email?  a friendster message?  these questions ran through his half-asleep mind as he turned off the alarm.  she still meant that much to him, even though they no longer communicate with each other… or at least she doesn't communicate with him anymore, not after the last time she called him on a stormy saturday night, asking if he could pick her up from the office; a request which he refused for the first time due to potentially him being late for his work that night as well; a decision he somehow regretted, yet made him realize how she really changed towards him.  but even after all that, he still held her in his frail and otherwise shattered image of a heart, with the smallest degree of hope that someday, somehow she will explain everything to him, even if that thought itself is nowhere near the possibility of ever happening.

"i guess a text message would do," he said to himself.  after all, he wasn't expecting anything else from her.  he had become accustomed to her non-replies even before.  he pulled up the saved birthday message he always sends out to friends celebrating their birthdays on the message screen and after hesitating a bit, pressed the send button.  he then placed his phone down, and, still lying down, again tried to sleep some more as he knew she wouldn't even bother to send a thank you message.  a message alert sounded as he was in the midst of trying to reach unconsciousness.  he didn't pick up the phone at first, thinking it was just one of those forwarded good morning and have a nice day sms messages he was receiving right around that time on a daily basis.  yet somehow, at the back of his mind, something was telling him to read the message, for it may be something he wouldn't expect.

"what the hell," he sighed as he grabbed his phone and opened the message.  it read, "hi, thanks for the greeting.  who is this please?"  it was from her.  he wasn't surprised as he assumed that she would've deleted his number after that fateful night.  he thought for a while if he should reply, and came up with something.  he then hit the reply button and started to type, "it doesn't really matter who i am, what's important is that you have a wonderful…"

then suddenly, the screen changed to an incoming call.  it was her calling.  initially, he thought it was going to just be a missed call, a reminder of some sorts that she texted back and is waiting for a reply.  he waited for the ringing to end, but as it continued, he realized that she may be actually, really, absolutely calling him.  bracing himself, he then pressed the answer button.  "hello?" he said with a slightly sleepy voice.

"hi there.  may i ask who is this?"  she said, having the same sleepy voice, sounding as if the message he sent her woke her up.  "do you really need to know who i am?"  he asked back.

"i appreciate the greeting, but who is this?"  she insisted.  "look, it's not important who i am, ok?  i'm just someone wishing you a happy birthday."  he answered in reply.

"hmmm… i'm starting to recognize your voice," she continued.  "oh, it's you," saying his name afterward.  "thank you.." she followed with a somber, gentle voice showing her appreciation for his gesture.  "how have you been?"  she continued.

"well, still the same old me," he said.  "you really had to ask me who i was, huh?"  he asked back.

"i'm sorry, my phone got snatched from me a couple of weeks ago and i still don't have all of the numbers on my phonebook restored," she answered.  "ok," was all he could answer.

what followed was a conversation that lasted for three minutes.  in that span of time, they were able to talk about minor stuff, such as she asking how his mom, sister and brother were, and him asking her why she sounded like she just woke up, and some stuff about work.

towards the end of the conversation, she said, "hey, i gotta go.  i'm still kinda sleepy because of the party i went to last night.  and besides, the battery on my phone is running low and it might just shut down."  "ok, happy birthday again," he answered.

"thanks," she said, followed by the familiar line, "let's talk later, ok?"

"sure," he said as they ended their conversation.  she never did call again that day, and he wasn't at all surprised.  at least he did the one small thing he can to make her day a little bit more special.  he still did care, and despite how she was to him, it didn't seem to matter to him anymore.  what was important to him was, at least he let her know that he was still around.

forwarding monday

here's something i got through sms early this morning:

i drank and got a hangover,

i smoked and got a cough,

i fought and got wounds.

but one thing i hate the most yet i still do it anyway,

is when i love…  and still get hurt.

so i stopped drinking and i didn't get hangovers anymore;

i stopped smoking and my coughing stopped too;

i stopped fighting and the wounds healed.

…do you think i should stop loving too?

hmmm…. kinda makes common sense now, doesn't it?

steady as it goes

by the time i finish writing this, my blog anniversary has come and gone.  unofficially, it's been two years since i started blogging.  i signed up for a free blog at http://www.ebloggy.com two years ago today (yesterday if it's already november 7th) after taking a sabbatical from writing because the first blog host i signed up with months earlier suddenly closed shop and took my entries with them.  i was emotionally devastated due to the fact that there were some entries on that blog that were really heartfelt, memorable and worth looking back to.  at that time, i lost passion for writing for fear that the same thing might happen the next time i decide to create and maintain a blog.  good thing that hasn't happened again and, knock on wood, it won't ever again.  i was so frustrated when my first blog was shut down that i forgot the date when i started it.  but, as they say, what's important is the here and now.  i've taken steps to archive my entries and hopefully, i won't be losing a single blog entry anymore.

the four-day off from work helped my spirits get back up.  actually, the long drive to and from the province this past thursday made me reflect and think about everything i said in my previous entry.  as you may have noticed, i changed my header quote above.  it took a great person like the late red auerbach to make me realize that i wandered off the beaten path.  i came across that quote earlier today while reading a column in the newspaper, waiting for my car to have it's driver side power window checked.  upon reading, then it suddenly hit me.  all that mattered was how i felt, and what i sincerely believed in.  so what if things don't go my way, or other people chastise or bicker at what i say?  as long as i believe in what i hold in my heart is true, then it is.  i remember an old quote i used to live by, and it goes, "as long as you believe in your heart that something is right, whatever it is, no one should tell you otherwise."  i'm re-affirming that starting today.  we all make decisions, and whatever the outcome may be, we either reap the rewards or face the consequences.

so where does that leave me following my previous entry?  simple.  i just do whatever it is i need to do based on how and what i believe is right for me.  in other words, i'll just be myself and take each day as it is.  if i ever meet someone who i'll be spending the rest of my life with, well and good.  and if i don't and continue living by myself, well, so be it.  for the record, i have only made one choice in my personal life that i regretted and that was 10 years ago.  i haven't made one since then, and i sure as hell am not going to make another one.  as long as i help other people, make other people happy by whatever means necessary, contribute in my own small way of making this world a little bit better, then that would have to do.  that would have to be more than enough.

the christmas season has officially started.  so that means i'm mostly in a jolly mood.  time to prepare the shopping list and the gift list!  it's only proper that i'm back to my cheery self at this time.  it's my favorite time of the year, so i'm not about to worry about the things going on in my personal life.  so what if i don't have a hot chick as my girlfriend?  i'll just shrug my shoulders and go on.  this ship has had it's share of rough seas and high waves, but one thing's for sure, it's as sturdy as ever.  yup, time to suck up the holiday atmosphere…

just a thought…

i guess nice guys really do finish last…

it's something i have to start accepting as a fact that in this dog-eat-dog world, guys like me get eaten for breakfast, spit out, and get trampled on.

as my friend cher said in her blog, "life is unfair."  yet for the most part, i have been fortunate with the basic necessities i have in life.  and for that i am eternally grateful and do my best to give back whatever spare i have to help those around me.

and it's turning out that it is not enough…

yet it still frustrates and bewliders me that i see many people overly gifted with sex appeal, good looks, wealth and power, and the capacity to get what they want with a snap of a finger or a blink of an eye.  what makes it more surprising is that they're good and nice people!  me, i'm just nice.  i don't have the good looks, money, massive sex appeal or any of that.  just nice.  that's me.  the proverbial mister nice guy.  i had a conversation with my good friend brew the other day and he told me that i don't have the capacity to "manipulate" girls to get what i want; or to be a "player."  i've been hanging on to that thought and i just figured out that yeah, maybe i don't.  even if i wanted to.  i just don't have that.  i'm mister nice guy.  i wield a massive sword of kindness, and defend myself with a broad shield of understanding.  yet most times, i wish i was like him.  that is why i look up to him not just as a former trainer, but as a good friend who, in my book, has everything.

i've been hearing stuff like, "someone will eventually come your way," "there's someone out there for you," "you'll get your chance one day," or the ever popular, "there's someone out there who is right for you, one who will be your match."  to be honest, i'm kinda tired of hearing it.  i always hear it.  not that i'm ungrateful for people keeping the hope alive for me, it's just that i keep none for myself.  mainly because i've either ran out of hoping against hope, or it's just taking too goddamn long.  when someone does actually come along, there's always a catch.  or excess baggage.  or too good to be true.  or whatever.  nothing ever seems just right.  some say i don't play the "game" right.  but what game is there to play?!  all i have in my personal life is just too much goddamn bulls**t.

it's a good thing i'm taking four days off work starting tonight.  it's something i've been looking forward to since last weekend.  this episode of melancholy too shall pass and i'll be back to my old, cheery self once again, wearing the positive face mask in time for the holiday season.  yet two things will ever hold true to me from now on:

"life isn't fair, but whoever said that it is?"  and my personal favorite, "nice guys finish last."  good thing green day wrote a song about it.