a tale of two sms conversations

you may very well call this entry the sequel to the previous one.  just when things could go normally, those two women would pop up on the same day.  well, it’s not all that bad.  it’s just that i wished the other one came first.  in that way, i’ll end the day feeling better instead of having to carry this negative feeling before i go to sleep tonight.  yup, you guessed it, the conversations were polar opposites of each other.  though i may dwell on the latter too much, i’ll be doing so just to unload my frustrations at what happened.

anyhow, the first sms conversation came right about after lunch time.  i actually never thought donna would be texting me this soon after the friendster message exchange.  it started as a “sup?” message from her that led to conversations about her work and how she wanted to resign and take a break and have a small buy and sell business.  i touched briefly on her husband, as i told her that she can resign if she wants to because hubby can do the providing for both of them.  surprisingly, she didn’t elaborate any further just asked about how my family was doing.  she also mentioned how she missed my family and how she felt welcome everytime she came to visit my place (which was only twice).  in turn, i gave some advice about thinking thoroughly before she resigns from work.  in total, the conversation lasted for about a good 30 minutes because she had to get some sleep in preparation for her work tonight.  i again ended the conversation without any expectations, even though she told me, “text you later.”  i realized how an idiot i was before in wasting my time waiting for her to send me a message.  but to be honest, it felt good to hear from her again.

okay, on to the second one.  the HR girl, candee.  the exchange of messages started at around 5:30 in the afternoon.  i was thinking of not replying to her message again, just like i did in her three or four previous messages.  but i thought, well, if there will be some things that i need to tell her that i didn’t had the chance to do before, this would probably be that chance.  before, i used to save the messages so that i could give an exact running account of what was said.  i forgot to do that today because i didn’t expect that it would turn out this way.  so, using the messages on my “sent” folder, i’ll try to recreate the entire conversation.  for first time readers, i’m afraid you have to go and back read so that you can understand the history between us.  well, here goes:

candee:  you busy?

me:  why?

candee:  was hoping we could meet up in makati today.

me:  why?

candee:  nothing.

me:  nothing?  why, can’t your other “friends” go and meet you after you sent them a message that’s why you ended up texting me?

candee:  haha.  how are you?

me:  why, it’s true, isn’t it?  i’m always your last priority.  i was never high on your list.  but even so, i regarded and treated you more than how i did for my friends.

me (separate message):  i’ll never forget the last thing you asked of me.  you had the nerve to ask me to have your friend get accepted at our company otherwise you would forget me?  wow…

candee:  sorry… you still mad at me?

me:  and you text me like nothing ever happened?  and you know what, good thing there was someone who talked to me and admitted that you and this person were “special friends” during the time i was trying to ask you out and you claimed that you were single.  i guess that person was more honest to me than you were.  i don’t know what i did to you for me to deserve that dishonesty from you.  (take note, in that scenario, it wasn’t the real person who confronted me.  it was a concerned friend.  i was just trying to fish for some answers or whether she’ll admit it or not.)

candee:  i am single, up until now.  if that’s what you want to believe, i can’t do anything.  i never had a special friend except (name withheld for privacy reasons) from (department withheld for security reasons).  if that’s what you chose to believe in, it’s ok.  i’m sorry if you got hurt, or if i offended you in any way.

(finally, she admits it!)

me:  but you never told me about him.  had i known you were seeing him or that you two were “special friends,” i could’ve just walked away.  compared to him, i know i’m not like him. (this guy was tall and drop dead handsome)

candee:  what?  the time you were asking me out, we were not an item anymore.  it was messy.  i know i told you about that situation, but i didn’t give out his name.

me:  but the truth is, you were never even proud for having me even as a friend.  i don’t think you even did something the least bit special even if you saw me as just a mere friend.  and yet you know very damn well that i was head over heels for you, and admit it or not, you used that just to get the things you want from me.  free lunch, coffee, etc.

candee:  for saying that, you’re so thick-skinned (i can’t think of the exact way to translate it from the vernacular).  that’s all.  thanks, a**hole.

candee (separate message):  free coffee and lunch?  i can buy those, why, are they expensive for you?  i’ll pay you back.

i didn’t reply back anymore.  i should know better, the truth has finally hit her, and she just hit back blindly.  the last message just came a few minutes ago.  just then, i received from her all the messages i sent her, meaning exactly all the messages that were in my sent folder were sent back to me.  i suppose she was sending it to her friend(s) telling her what happened, i don’t know.  but, i don’t care and it doesn’t matter.  if history will be used, it’ll show that she was indeed guilty and i suppose the messages i sent her had it coming.  so, in closing, i’ll be posting my message–hopefully my final one–to her.  oh, and don’t get me wrong, anyone can read it.  because IT’S MY BLOG AND I CAN SAY WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT.

to candee:  yes, this is for you.  if you happen to chance upon this blog, then let me say this to you:  thank you.  yes, thank you.  for one, thank you for showing me your dishonesty.  for all those times you told me stories about you and your failed relationships while having one at the same time.  thank you for your honesty in admitting to me finally just now that you and your “special friend” are no longer an item while we were going out.  because let me add that it wasn’t him to confided everything to me, it was a dear concerned friend.  and based on that person’s track record, i would believe that person over what you’re claiming.  also, thank you for trust and confidence in me.  you were so confident in me that you did not want us to be seen in public when i would ask you out.  yet you don’t even want to be seen talking to me in front of my colleagues, or to my friends.  you trusted me by having me to wait for hours and hours until such time that lunch will be taken at three in the afternoon.  and most of all, thank you for being so dependable.  you were so dependable that you would make excuses just so you won’t have to be seen when i would ask you to drop by my station.  remember the chocolates i “gave” you when i got back from the states?  i asked you to come over to my station so that i could give them to you personally, and yet you made excuses that you were busy and that i should be the one to bring them to you instead.  but i learned that you weren’t busy and you just didn’t want to be seen receiving something from me.  thank you.  thank you for being who and what you are.  without you, i wouldn’t be realizing what a big, f**king waste of time i’ve had in falling for you.  and lastly, thank you for doing all those special things for me.  they’re so special that i can’t remember what those are.  because they’re nothing.  because of you, i’m now a wiser, better person.  but i guess you’ve made many men more wiser and better persons after getting to know you.  i guess i should’ve just stuck to my gut feeling in the first place after meeting you.  what is that you ask?  well, to give you a hint, it’s one of the words i used to describe you in my previous entries.  i should’ve just thought about that and nothing else.  that way, i would’ve ended up a happier man, if you know what i mean.  but that’s ok.  so, thank you.  i couldn’t be more grateful to you.

there.  that felt a lot, lot better.  it’s mean, you say?  yes, i’ll admit.  at least i’m honest enough to handle the truth.  question is, does she?  anyway, tomorrow’s a brand new day.  and that’s one thorn off my back.

seriously, i really hope she gets to read this.

when sh*t hits the fan

rarely do i boil over about something personal, but as the old saying goes, "everything has it’s limits."  now i was a bit surprised myself after taking stock of what happend this past thursday.  i guess it’s just one of those days where you were rubbed the wrong way and hitting back is the most logical thing to do at that time.  a quick history lesson before i recount the details of the little incident:  i met this girl while i was still with my former employer.  she was assigned in one of the sub-departments of the human resources group, mostly processing applicants.  she’s a tall, slim, stunner of a woman, one you wouldn’t miss looking at when you happen to pass her by while walking down a crowded street.  yet before i met her, she had this reputation of being… spoiled, for lack of a better term.  many a men have tried to win her heart, but her second reputation of being playful with the boys around her seem to put her on an "impossible to claim her" category.  maybe it has something to do with her age, her being young and all, but i had this gut feeling that i could get past those.  we have already gone out numerous times, all under her terms.  she would set conditions like, "pick me up at the least crowded part of the building so that no one we know could see us go out," or "i’ll have to finish up some stuff at work, so our lunch date at 12 noon would be moved to 2pm," or "let’s not go there, it’s too popular, someone at the office might see us together…"  get the picture?  plus, she had this habit of asking me to treat (read:  buy) her something from either starbucks or gloria jean’s.  being the guy that i am, i readily obliged and lost count of how many times i would be bringing a cremé bruleé or a frappucino to her desk.  and when we do go out, we would have conversations all about the men in his life and she would ask my opinion on what their intentions are.  this went on until i left the company to where i am now and we would still keep in touch, although not that much anymore… until this past week.

i happened to chance on her friendster profile this past sunday because i saw her new picture taken on a beach in boracay.   i sent her an sms message asking her how she was and that she had a nice picture posted.  the exchange of messages led to me inviting her for dinner on friday night, to which she obliged.  the week went on as usual, work was fast-paced, meetings to attend here and there.  and this past wednesday, my direct line at the office was finally installed.  i sent everyone i knew an sms message bearing my office number, indicating that if any one of them wanted to get in touch with me, can do so at the number i provided.  during a lull in the the things going on in the office, i was checking my emails when the phone rang.  it was her, the very first person to call me on my direct office line.  we chatted for about 15 minutes, talking about from how i got into the company to how things were in her area.  i had to cut the conversation short because of another scheduled meeting i had to attend.

during the way home, she sent me an sms message detailing how her boss was being made a puppet by upper management and said how she wished i was her boss instead.  i replied jokingly that if i were her boss, i would be losing my job in an instant.  she then asked me if i could elaborate on what i said, and i told her my sad experience of falling for someone who is one of my direct reports while i was a team leader.   i described how hard it was since i had to display professionalism at all times and that i didn’t pursue the girl until she eventually left the company which was both a relief and a sad thing, and ending it by telling her that i won’t let that happen again.  our sms conversation then shifted to her asking my help getting her friend and colleague a job where i was.  naturally, i told her that her friend should just apply with the openings our company has, and that her friend shoudl be open to the possibility of being assigned to a bank branch should her qualifications match to the openings needed.  she asked if i could refer her friend, and i told her that her friend can place on the resumé that i referred her.  she then asked me what else i can do to ensure that her friend will make it, adding that i should just take her in.  i replied that i’m not the owner of the company, and that i’m only new in the office, so i don’t have that much influence yet, so i’m in no position to do so and that i can only act as a reference person should HR ask me about her application.  she then asked me if that is all, and i replied that maybe i can make a recommendation, but that is as far as i can go.  she then asked me if i can follow-up her application, and getting a little frustrated with all the things she’s asking me, i replied that i can also do that.  our conversation through sms ended that night by confirming our dinner date on friday night.

on that fateful thursday morning, everything seemed nornal.  i arrived in the office early so had time to spare.  i was on my way back to my desk from the restroom when i received a text message from her.  she said that she was calling me on my office number but i’m not picking up.  i replied that i just got out of the restroom, headed back to my desk and that she can call me again.  she did, and from the start of our conversation, she went on about her asking me that favor for her friend, saying that by helping her friend, i am helping her as well.  i told her exactly what i said in our conversation the night before, that her friend should just indicate my name on the resumé, serving as a referral.  she asked me to make a written recommendation to HR about her friend.  i told her that it’s not possible because written recommendations are not accepted, and that i can only contact one of the HR officers and give them a heads up on her friend’s application.  she then insisted on the written recommendation but i told her again that it’s just not possible.  she then told me that how can she, an HR staff can do something about friends’  applications while i, with a management position, can’t even write a letter of recommendation for an applicant.  i repeatedly told her that it was not possible and that the company does not accept written recommendations.  i was getting increasingly incensed at that point because of her demands.  she then asked where our office was.  i told her that her friend can go to our head office in the ortigas area and submit her application.  she asked me if it was possible for her friend not to go there personally and just have me submit her friend’s resumé.  i told her that her friend can email her resumé to the person in HR who processed my application.  she said that she doesn’t want her friend to go through a phone interview, but i told her that her friend will be contacted to go to the office for a personal interview with HR, and that her friend should be in corporate attire when she goes there.  she asked if it was possible for her friend to come in jeans.  naturally, i told her that it’s not possible since it’s an interview.  she then went back to her demand that i make that recommendation letter and help her friend out and threatened that if i didn’t do so, "i’ll erase you from being my friend just like what you did with your former boss" in the vernacular.  still calm, but already slightly furious, i told her that her friend can either send her resumé via email or just go to the head office as a walk-in applicant.  sensing that she won’t get through with what she’s asking of me, she ended the conversation.  ’twas the first time i felt that mad and furious in a long time as i put the phone down.  what happened during the next few minutes was an exchange of sms messages which she started that went like this (already translated):

her:  i don’t know if i’ll be annoyed with you.  i may be a brat, but you’re difficult.

me:  you know what, you always want it your way.  you come up to me with all sorts of demands with conditions as if it’s that easy to do.  i already told you that i’ll help out within my capacity, but that’s not enough for you.  i learned the hard way that i cannot always get what i want.  maybe you should realize that as well.  now, if you don’t like the way i’m trying to help you or your friend out, and that you’re threatening to erase me from your life for not giving you what you want, then go ahead.

her:  well, so everything is out in the open.  okay, if that’s what you want.  good thing, i was able to know you better.  erase my details in your phone as well.

she then texted me the exact message i last sent her, then added something in the end:  "i don’t need this."  i then replied back, saying:

me:  since i met you, i always thought that you’re a reasonable person despite what other people have told me.  i have always, and i mean ALWAYS given you what you wanted, and with this little thing, you’re already mad at me?  isn’t me saying, "i’ll do what i can to help your friend" not enough for you?

she didn’t reply back which was a good thing because i had some work to do the entire day and didn’t want to be distracted by what just happened.  i just vented by sending a text message to my friends about what just happened without exactly revealing the details, or who was involved.  i promised to write an entry on my blog that night, but due to some technical difficulties on the site, it didn’t happen.   i thought that was the end of our "friendship" but while trying to access my blog that night, the sms conversation continued with her saying:

her (exact text message):  there are way too many people who gave their word and none of them was able to keep them.  other people doesn’t know me and if ever, they are far worst than me.

slightly taken aback with the grammar, i replied back:

me:  you might be surprised who those people are who told me things about you (honestly speaking, they were my friends warning me about her), but i didn’t listen to them because i knew then that you were better than what they thought of you.  i still do, as a matter of fact, but i think my judgement is now being clouded by my feelings for you which i now realize–the hard way–that you don’t give a damn about.

her:  if you want to believe them and join them, that’s your choice.  how can you say that you have feelings for me, when in fact, you don’t even know how to adjust even just for me?

i guess with the information i gave you earlier, you would reply like i did:

me:  i did adjust.  numerous times.  you just didn’t see through it.  i never said anything about joining them.  if i did, then we wouldn’t be talking to each other anymore.  you’re pusing people away because you’re afraid to get hurt.  i understand that because i got hurt myself, but i never push people away because they won’t see the real me.

her (exact message):  just be sure that those people whom you talk to about me are not as bad and difficult as i am.  you adjusted numerous times?  when?  i push people because i don’t know who to trust anymore.

me:  so i guess that means you don’t trust me as well after all the honesty i have shown you all this time, and all that i have done to make you see that i’m different from the other guys.  i don’t need to elaborate what adjustments i made for you.  you know what they are.

with all that i said, she replied with just this:

her (exact message):  honestly, you have to elaborate the adjustments you made for me.

frustrated and exasperated, i replied back:

me:  sorry, i’m not the kind of guy who keeps records of things or adjustments i do for women i care about or have feelings for.  if i did, then that means i’m not being sincere in what i do for them, or that i’m expecting something in return.  it’s not about the quantity of the things one guy does for a girl, but for what reason and how it’s being done.

and just like that, our conversation–maybe even our communication–ended.  it was unfortunate, yes, but at the same time, it made me realize that women like that don’t deserve to be treated in the way i have treated her while we were steadily going out.  i admit, that was a harsh statement to make, but after all the things i’ve been through with my personal life, i’m slowly learning to look after myself sometimes.  as i’ve said earlier, i was quite surprised with the things i’ve done in this particular situation.  i guess i could sum it up with an analogy i came up with just now.  all of us have shit.  good shit, bad shit.  on a hot, summer day like this, a electric fan is one thing that can keep you cool.  you then decide to play with some shit.  you throw it at the fan, and it bounces back, right smack in your face.  what am i saying?  be careful with the shit you throw at.  some of them might actually hit back at you.  and hit back at you that hard.

jumping the gun

maybe i spoke too soon.  maybe i jumped to conclusions.  maybe i even wrote things off this early in the game.  but whatever i did, there's no denying the fact that things can change in the blink of an eye.  the next day after i wrote my previous ranting entry, the woman whose name is associated with sweets, and i had lunch.  well, a late lunch at that.  i actually never saw it coming.  i mean, just when i let my foot off the accelerator with regards to pursuing her, we actually had our first date.

it was thursday morning, and i was looking forward to ending my work week and a team building session on friday night.  we were a little short on personnel on the management side, so my boss asked me to extend my hours until whatever time i can to help the closing shift have coverage.  i naturally said yes, it being my final day at the office and having no plans of watching a movie, which i normally do as i leave work.  i planned on extending for a maximum of two hours, feeling that is sufficient help enough for the closing manager to cover the floor.  she then arrives at her usual time and like clockwork, we exchange pleasantries.  we both went about our work, notwithstanding at times we would exchange short conversations whenever she would pass by my way and vice versa.

towards the end of my regular hours, during one of our short conversations, she mentions that she was getting hungry.  thinking that she would never say yes, i jokingly asked her out to lunch.  she replied that she doesn't take her lunch during their lunch break per se which was at 12 noon, but work can sometimes extend up to two in the afternoon.  "no problem," i said.  "i don't have nothing to do after work so it's ok.  plus i'll be extending my shift around two hours."  she then nodded in agreement.  while i was glad to have finally asked her out for the first time, it still came as a surprise she actually agreed to go out with me, even if it is just lunch.

we went to north park at ATC at past 2PM.  she was doing most of the talking, while i, of course mostly listened a lot.  i dunno if her being talkative is a sign of nervousness, but at least it made me ask less questions about her, like she's naturally telling me about herself.  she still talked during lunch.  she talked about her recent relationship which ended a couple of months ago and would sometimes ask me what i thought about what happened and the what if scenarios involving their break up.  from her stories, including her teen years and college days, i have come up with the impression that she's a strong-willed woman and someone who is not afraid of expressing herself.  she told me also about her dream of becoming a flight stewardess before, and i agreed that she'd make a gorgeous one at that, but she became afraid that she might not make it.  then i suddenly realized that she's not all devil-may-care, headstrong woman.  that she has also times of self-doubt and prone to weakness.  i told her that it's never too late to chase her dream.  to which she jokingly replied that she already has marks on her legs.  i almost asked her if i can see them, but common sense told me not to.  but honestly, who wouldn't want to see her smooth legs?  maybe next time, i told to myself.

i brought her back to the office after lunch and headed on home.  but not without finally getting her mobile number.  i admit that i had a good time getting to know her.  is this a sign of things to come?  i don't know, and i'm not thinking too much about it.  hey, i'm just hitching on a free ride with nothing to lose.  as i've said, i'm not expecting anything from what i have with her now.  to quote a colleague when i talked about my cancelled plans of seriously persuing her, "i'm no longer on edsa, but on the service road," or something like that.  but it's all good.  i was watching mighty ducks 3 on cable yesterday afternoon and one line from that movie summed up everything i need to do about her:  "don't be careless, yet not too careful either.  if you see a shot, take it.  don't hesitate."

in search of a happy ending

it's 6:15pm and i'm supposed to be in dreamland because in a couple of hours i'm supposed to wake up and face another long day at work. but i've been lying in bed, awake for the past 5 or 6 hours with a lot of things running through my mind and a very heavy and sad heart.

and if i have to go through days, weeks, or months, or even years of personal and emotional hurt, only to have one second of a relationship with her, one second of her smile, one second of her touch, and one second of her sweetest kiss before my life is taken away from me, i would. i guess every person who loves someone would do the same. after all, a happy ending is what we're all looking for in life. whatever the cost.